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Take Time to Grieve for a Family Member’s Loss to Mesothelioma
Several weeks ago Lisa Hyde-Barrett, thoracic nurse, offered her insight into grieving the loss of a loved one. Today, Jennifer Gelsick provides her first-hand account of her grieving process when her father, Don Smitley, passed away from mesothelioma.
Everyone grieves differently. Some people find it easier to deal with grief by jumping in to projects; others may need time to themselves. The most important thing to remember is that it’s okay to mourn and that there are people there to help you if you feel it too overwhelming to handle on your own.
For me, being around people helped me tremendously as I grieved Dad’s passing. My mind tends to wander, and being occupied with the company of my family and friends allowed me to think of something else other than the fact that I am now, in fact, without a father. I did have trouble returning phone calls though. It took me a while to be able to answer questions and come up with some sort of acceptable answer for the standard question, “How are you doing?” The truth is I didn’t know how I was doing; I was just going through the motions for quite some time.
Getting back into work was difficult. It was a sort of a double-edged sword; it was a much needed distraction, yet I wasn’t ready or capable to focus in on anything quite yet. There were a lot of oxymorons with me right after Dad passed. I wanted to be around people, but I had a really hard time with the looks of pity that people gave me. Answering questions about what happened was terrible for me, but a necessary evil, so to speak.
I don’t believe that time can heal all wounds like the old adage says. I do believe that it can help you find some sense of clarity and help you to find peace. The human spirit wants to survive, and somewhere deep inside ourselves, we all have a desire to carry on. It’s up to each of us as individuals to find that place of balance. Remember that no one can tell you how to grieve, just be true to yourself and reach out to others for anything you need.
The Mesothelioma Community Needs Advocacy Not Apathy
All too often when we hear of someone with a mesothelioma diagnosis, we give a standard response: “Oh, that’s too bad. Let me know if you need anything.” Then, normal life is resumed. You may pray for the person and their family, and that’s absolutely appreciated and important, but do you ever really follow up? Apathy and indifference seem to dominate society today on many levels. It’s time to give that up and let it give way to advocacy and action, especially when it comes to fighting mesothelioma.
Sometimes, we tend to feel bad for others, but think, “Well, it’s their problem, I don’t want to interfere.” It’s right, in a sense, not to want to get in their way sometimes, but you can take action on your own without the family even knowing.
Asbestos, the underlying cause of mesothelioma, is still legal in the United States. Contact your local representative and fight against it! Hold a fundraising dinner or bake sale to benefit the family you know. Although I do recommend getting the family’s blessing, medical treatments and travel get expensive, and I’m sure it would be appreciated.
Spread the word about the dangers of asbestos and the real consequences of being exposed to it. Contact the Mesothelioma Applied Research Foundation – they are happy to provide information and have wonderful ideas and concrete direction on how you can help fight this horrible disease. The person you know who is suffering from mesothelioma may not even know about the Meso Foundation. Give them some information; it could lead to an extended group of physicians and treatment options.
Working to find a cure for mesothelioma doesn’t just stop there. This research could lead to cures and treatments for other types of cancer as well. It’s amazing what a difference one person can make. Imagine what we could all do together!
Family Cautiously Optimistic at Shrinking Mesothelioma Tumor
I’ve said this before and anyone who has been through cancer treatments knows that when a scan is coming up it is the most nerve racking time that you can experience. The nine weeks of Dad’s chemo were coming to an end and it was that time again. The facts were that we didn’t know how this round of chemotherapy would work, but the doctors were confident. Dad’s doctors could make no guarantee if it would even work to shrink the tumors that had grown back in his chest and liver. All we could do was pray and be hopeful.
In the week leading up to the scan, Dad suddenly started having an awful pain on the right side of his chest where there had been small pea-sized tumors that just wouldn’t go away from the chemotherapy and radiation treatments. This made him very uneasy about what the scans would show. The spot then became swollen and red within the next few days. Dad was feeling very discouraged by this and was dreading the upcoming scan. He told me that he had the same feeling about the results as the night before he went into his 15 hour surgery: the feeling of the possibility that he would lose this battle. Hearing your father speak like that is hard to take, but all you can do is encourage him that everything will be okay and keep positive.
Monday came around and he had an appointment close to home to get the scan done. They asked him if he wanted to see the results that day and he told them he did not want to know. He wanted to wait until Friday to discuss what the scan showed with his doctors in Philadelphia, so they could talk about a plan of action. I understood his reasoning, but it was burning a hole through me all week. I cannot imagine what it was like for him to have that lingering feeling of what the scan showed, but I know how I felt and I was on edge. I could tell that everyone in our family was too each time I talked with Mom and my brothers. We all wanted to know so badly, but knew that it was best to wait to talk about what to do next.
Friday came along and I was at work. I carried my phone around in my pocket all day waiting to get the call from Dad. I didn’t even know if I wanted to find out during work, or if I just wanted to wait to look at my phone until the end of the day. Around lunch time I saw a text from my dad, “Just left doctor’s office. CT scan shows that the cancer is shrinking, but still need 3 more series of chemo at least.” I took a deep breath and the feeling of relief overcame me.
After work I called to see how the rest of the day went and how his treatment went that day. I asked about what the doctor said about the pain in his chest and it turned out to be effects of the radiation showing up. Dad seemed to feel relieved, but still felt a bit discouraged in the fact that he said he has accepted that he will probably be on some sort of treatment for the rest of his life. He knows how sick he was on this last nine week cycle of chemotherapy and he was going to have to go through it again.
Once again, all I can do is keep encouraging him to keep fighting and that everything will work itself out and it will be okay.
Continue reading next week about the side effects and changes in my dad while he is on chemotherapy.
Happy Birthday Dad
April 25 would have been my Dad’s 58th birthday. Instead of cake and presents, there were flowers, tears, and a visit to his grave site. Where there should have been the sounds of laughter and singing, there were tears and sadness. We spent the day looking back at the past instead of looking toward what the following year would hold. Everything is different now.
Looking back and thinking of how we usually spent Dad’s birthday, I can’t help but smile. It was always simple, but special. We would have presents and cake and usually go out to dinner… one of those dinners that would last for hours full of stories and memories being made. Dad and Mom’s birthdays are two weeks apart, so we usually celebrated both of them together.
When Dad turned 50, we had a surprise party for him. There were 100 or so guests, family and friends, who came out to fete him. His band played; there was great food, funny gifts, and just a wonderful night to honor such an amazing person. I know that Dad felt so loved that night; his smile said it all.
When we started planning the party, we knew we wanted his band to be there, but didn’t quite know how to arrange that without him figuring it out. That’s when it was decided that I would tell him that my aunt and I were planning a surprise party for Mom. I told him that his only job was to get the band to play. I could tell that he wanted to do more and that it kind of hurt his feelings a little. I felt horrible!!!! All I could do was tell myself that I had to let it go until the party. I remember apologizing to him that night and he just laughed, like he always did!
That night, we had no idea that he wouldn’t have very many birthdays left. Life was easy and fun, so lighthearted, just like Dad. He wasn’t a worrier; he just took things as they came. Thinking of things this way, it makes me realize even more to treasure your time and make the most of every second.
Even though I miss Dad constantly, it’s the special occasions that are the hardest. It brings so much pain into my heart thinking back on the past and realizing that Dad’s not here to share in our present or future in the way he used to. The most important thing, I suppose, is to always remember that he’s in my heart and the hearts of all those who loved him. He has given us a birthday gift in this way.
I hope you had the best birthday in Heaven, Dad. I’m sure the cake and ice cream were the best ever.
Nurse is Continually Inspired by Mesothelioma Patients
As a nurse, I learn a lot about resilience from my patients. After some of the most challenging surgeries, I watch as patients and their families deal with pain, living restrictions and trying to get back into a normal life. But those who live day-to-day with mesothelioma never cease to inspire me. I am continually amazed at how people not only live with the effects of mesothelioma, but return to a daily routine.
In some situations, patients have to fight hard to not only beat the side effects of chemotherapy and radiation, but also the effects of this dreaded disease. These patients often have weekly, if not daily, medical appointments on top of battling this relentless cancer. It can all be daunting, but so many mesothelioma patients fight their symptoms and aggressively attack the disease so they can be there for their families.
It seems every day I get a wakeup call as to just how challenging life can be for chronically ill mesothelioma patients. Sometimes I am stopped dead in my tracks watching patients and their families grapple with the enormity of the disease – but they do and they keep moving forward.
Everyday can be a battle for mesothelioma patients, and I think we often forget about them. So if there is anything you can do to make just one day a little easier for a friend or loved one please do it. It will make a difference for you and the patient!
If you have questions about your mesothelioma treatment or any aspect of your mesothelioma care, please contact us.
Free Mesothelioma Patient & Treatment Guide
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It contains a wealth of information and resources to help you better understand the condition, choose (and afford) appropriate treatment, and exercise your legal right to compensation.
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