Category: Faces of Mesothelioma
Ask Jennifer: How Did You Hide Your Worry About Your Father’s Mesothelioma?
If I had a superpower, it would be worrying. You name it, I worry about it. As much as I try to stop, it’s something that just seems impossible to me; however, with a lot of praying, it’s starting to get better.
Even so, when my Dad started to fall ill, I began to panic. I played out every scenario of what could be wrong, how we would handle it, and ultimately what the happy outcome would be. (Even though I worry, I’m an optimist… odd juxtaposition, I know.) One thing that I never thought of was mesothelioma. I knew next to nothing about it and thought it was something that you just saw on commercials. There was no way it was happening to my father.
People sometimes ask me how I managed my worrying tendencies during these trying times. The answer is, I didn’t. I tried my best to hide it, especially in front of Dad, but I think that everyone saw through my act. Even at the moments where my strength may have appeared to peak, I was completely broken inside. I don’t know how I made it through any of it; I take that back, I only made it through because of God.
A lot of the time, I tried to put on a happy face and pretend that I wasn’t concerned. After we received good news, we celebrated, and I was absolutely thrilled each time, but in the back of my mind, that old fear always seemed to creep in. I thanked God for the joy, but wondered when the next wave of sadness would begin.
Still today, even though we’re approaching the four year anniversary of his passing, there is still sadness in my heart from his loss. It’s true that I am extraordinarily happy with my husband and daughter, and with my family who loves me unconditionally, but there is still a piece missing that could make that happiness even more amplified. I am constantly questioning what Dad would be doing today if he were here, or what would he think about certain situations. I always want to send him a picture of my child or tell him the funny thing she said, just to hear his beautiful laugh.
A piece of me is missing without Dad, but what is also missing is the worry I carried for him. I am certain that he is in Heaven where there is no worry or sickness. He is free from this awful disease. I know that he is looking down on me, and that he doesn’t want me to worry about him anymore; he is with God, laughing and smiling each and every second.
Daughter of Mesothelioma Victim Holds Memories
A song. A simple tune that other passers-by don’t even notice. A smell, wafting on the breeze. A place, so full of meaning, that sharing it with other people seems like you’re telling a secret. These are all triggers for me; triggers of beautiful memories of my father. Knowing that I don’t have the chance to make new ones with him, makes me protective and possessive of the ones I hold so close to my heart.
Dad loved music and he was a beautiful singer. Even though he played with his bluegrass band, most of my memories of him singing were a bit different. Yes, he always sang me “You Are My Sunshine,” but there was more to it than that. I remember during our infamous Saturday morning adventures when he would sing along with me to the radio when REM or No Doubt was playing. I remember the time he went to an NSYNC concert with me, just because.
Along with music, my father was a lover of food. It didn’t have to be a delicacy, in fact, he would prefer it not to be. The smell of no-bake cookies reminds me of the first time we “baked” together, unsuccessfully, may I add. How we managed to mess them up, I’ll never know. The fun was in the experience.
Every time I smell a beautiful fall breeze, it takes me back to nights spent with him in the yard at our home, playing outside. Volleyball became a specialty, and during the last set of the night, we would both agree that we would go inside once the ball hit the ground. This led to bouts of hilarious laughter as we would run around, doing everything we could to make the evening last just a bit longer.
Dad and I shared so many memories in various places. Some of the memories I treasure the most are ones that I choose not to share. They are embedded deep within me; the stories that usually ended with “Don’t tell Mom!” are ones that only we knew. Now, I am left to reminisce about these alone. They were our secrets, and I intend to continue keeping them.
Now, my memories of my beautiful father are all that I have left of him. This harsh truth of my new reality reminds me to treasure each day. As you walk through life, stop and think that you might be creating memories that your loved ones will carry with them for years. Live each second with that thought; if you do, you’ll do a lot more living, and create a lot more unforgettable moments.
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Daughter & Father Keep Hope Alive During Fight Against Mesothelioma
Some individuals are just positive people; it’s how they are! No matter what is thrown at them or what comes their way, they have the ability to make the best of things. This, in turn, helps those around them to be optimistic, too.
My Dad was one of those people. Many individuals ask me how my family stayed so upbeat (for the most part) during our experience with mesothelioma. The simple answer was, “Dad.” When the person who has been diagnosed with this disease is the one reassuring everyone else that things will be ok, it’s hard to believe otherwise. This is not to say that I didn’t have my moments, but there was more light in my days than I expected during this time.
Some may think that I was naïve to think this way, but it was how I chose to handle it. I believe that attitude can have a direct effect on outcome, so why not think the best! Even on the days when I felt the most sadness and anxiety about Dad’s illness, he would always tell me that he would be ok. God would take care of him and all of us as well.
Going through life thinking the worst must be exhausting. Life is a challenge, bringing with it ups and downs that you may never be prepared for. But we are also meant to make the best of what we are given. Dad inspired me to always look for the best in every situation and it has truly changed my entire outlook on the world. There is inherent good in people, there is hope when all seems dark, and there is love where you couldn’t imagine it could ever be found. Never give up hope, God will always be there!
Remembering Dad on His Birthday After Losing to Mesothelioma
I write this on what would have been my father’s 61st birthday. I write this with a broken heart and tear-stained cheeks. I write this as a daughter who lost her hero to the terrible clutches of mesothelioma.
Normally, Dad’s birthday would have been full of fun. Phone calls, visits, food, and a game with my great aunt (who spent her wedding anniversary waiting for him to be born) to see who would call to give their well wishes first! Now, in a stark, different reality, I find myself alone with my thoughts, imagining what today would have been like.
I imagine that today would have been spent with family as usual, but with the beautiful addition of his two-year-old granddaughter. The laughter that always accompanied time spent with my Dad would have been amplified with him enjoying her antics and singing our song, “You Are My Sunshine.”
Today should have been a day of celebrating Dad’s life with him present, not lovingly remembering him in the past. Thankfully, I have so many beautiful memories with him to always carry with me, but I will always mourn for those left unmade. Empty chairs, songs without a voice, and hearts broken, all because of mesothelioma.
Mary Hesdorffer Moves on from Mesothelioma Applied Research Foundation
Recently, I received a letter in the mail from Mary Hesdorffer, Executive Director of the Mesothelioma Applied Research Foundation.
In it, she announced her upcoming retirement. Instantly, I felt a mix of emotions. I am so happy for her to begin this new chapter in her life but, at the same time, sad that she will be stepping down. She assured us of her continued dedication and involvement to the mesothelioma community, and we are certainly glad to hear that.
Mary was one of the first people I spoke with when we were told of my Dad’s diagnosis. She was not only a wealth of knowledge, but a listening ear as I voiced my confusion and concerns.
Over the years, she has remained in close contact, checking in at pivotal points in my father’s treatment and progression, and as a friend.
I know that there are countless others who can share my same story of Mary’s compassionate, caring nature that comes effortlessly to her.
She has been a mentor to many and helped patients and their families through the most trying times in their lives.
I hope that this amazing woman knows how much she means to my family, and I know I speak on behalf of everyone she has interacted with that she will be missed, but we wish her all the best.
You have been an inspiration, Mary, and we promise to continue the work you’ve done to ensure that we find a cure for mesothelioma, once and for all.
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