Author: Joseph Belluck
Thank a Mesothelioma Caregiver During National Family Caregivers Month
November is National Family Caregivers Month. This is a great time to recognize and thank those countless faces who sacrifice so much to take care of their loved one. As a former part-time caregiver myself, I have both experienced, seen, and felt the beauty and the pain of taking on this role.
During my time caring for my father as he fought mesothelioma, I gained a new appreciation for caregivers. They are there 24 hours a day, doing whatever needs done without batting an eye. You’re hungry… no problem. Need a blanket? Here’s two. Not feeling well… already on the phone with the doctor. It is an intense undertaking.
On the other side of the aisle, so to speak, the love that you get to share with the person you’re caring for is indescribable. When you help someone with no expectation of getting anything in return, that’s when you really feel like you’re making a difference. I remember the quiet, “Thanks, Kiddo” that Dad always said when I helped him. The way you could just tell that you made him feel special, loved, and cared for; it was something I will always remember.
So, to everyone out there caring for someone, I say thank you. You play a pivotal role in the life of your loved one. Don’t think for one second that it’s not noticed or appreciated, because deep down, that person knows they need you. They may be too proud to say it, but the feelings are there in their heart. You are important! After all… there’s a whole month celebrating you!
Your Mesothelioma Medical Team Is On Your Side
People can play different roles in your life, and those roles can change dramatically based on the circumstances. The same goes for your doctors and medical team. While my father battled pleural mesothelioma, these amazing people went from strangers to confidants to friends.
When Dad was first diagnosed, we were complete strangers to all of the team. I remember in our first meeting with Dr. Harvey Pass, he entered the room and I immediately felt at ease. Hearing from someone who was optimistic and believed that he could really help was a welcome breath of fresh air. We had come off of the worst news of our lives and were given little hope until he entered the picture.
Once surgery was completed, we continued on with more and more practitioners who specialized in an area of need. They each treated us like real people, and counseled us on what steps were necessary moving forward, and joined in celebrations when the scans were clear.
I will always remember the office of my father’s primary care physician. The morning after he passed away, we were still working on notifying everyone when we got a call from them. They asked me if they could speak to my Dad; when I had to tell them that he was gone, the woman on the other end of the phone broke down in tears, saying, “Honey, I’m so sorry. I really liked your Dad,” then quickly hung up without saying goodbye. Moments later, the doctor called, asking what had happened and offering the most sincere condolences. The staff later joined us at the viewing and funeral, and still check in with us today.
Always remember that your medical team is on your side. They will be with you through your entire struggle and can even become friends. I appreciate all those who treated my father, and also me and my family, although it was in a different way. We thank you from the bottoms of our hearts.
I Wish I Could Have Frozen Time Without Mesothelioma
I can’t believe that the lives of my family have been affected by mesothelioma for over five years. It’s impossible for me to believe that Dad has been gone for four of them. Where has the time gone?
Over these past 5 ½ years, my family has undergone many changes. Life continues on even though it feels as though time is stagnant. I remember in the days immediately following my father’s diagnosis walking through the halls of the hospital. I watched people smile, wondering how they could be happy in the same time that my life was falling apart. Patients were being discharged onto a full recovery; as happy as I was for them, I couldn’t help but wonder what shape my Dad’s life was going to take.
Knowing what I do now, I would have liked to fast forward time to three months later and freeze it with Dad at that point. He had a clean bill of health; no evidence of disease on his scans, and getting stronger every day after the ravaging effects of chemotherapy. He was happy, and hopeful that life would go on as if meso had never entered his life. If I could have kept him that way forever, I would have. But we all know that’s not possible.
Don Smitley and Jennifer Gelsick
Looking at things from a rational point of view, we have to find a way to understand that, although time marches on, our memories, these moments frozen in time, can stay with us forever. We can choose to focus on the best of times instead of our hardest struggles. Keep those memories close to your heart; it is how I am choosing to remember my father, just the way he would have wanted.
Four Years After Losing My Father to Mesothelioma It Still Hurts
“I love you so much, it hurts.” It’s something that I’ve heard throughout my life. But what does that really mean? How is it possible to love someone in such a way that it causes you pain? When I stop and think about it though, it makes perfect sense.
I loved Dad so much, that when he was diagnosed with mesothelioma, it broke me apart inside. I cared so deeply that watching him endure treatments caused me intense agony. I treasured him, causing inexplicable anxiety when it was time for his quarterly scans. I loved him so much, it hurt.
October 15 marks four years since I lost my father. The pain of loving and losing him follows me each and every day. It’s a feeling that never fades, but is sometimes overshadowed by the life continuing on around me. You can’t escape the hurt of such a profound loss… but do you really want to?
This must seem like a terrible question to pose. Do you want the pain of losing someone you love to go away? Of course, you don’t want to feel it forever in the same way you do the moment you hear the news. You don’t want to be crippled by it. At the same time, you don’t want to forget it. That pain means that someone touched your life, touched your heart. It shows that they truly meant something to you.
Each time I start to feel that pain, I stop to think of the reason behind it. I feel sadness and grief because I loved someone, and they loved me. I have an aching in my heart because, even though there is a piece missing, it was occupied by a person who believed in me and lifted me up. The tears I cry are shed for a purpose, I miss someone who shaped me. What a blessing to have had someone like that in my life.
I loved… no, I love my Dad so much, it hurts. Putting a past tense on that feeling seems wrong in some way. Just because he is no longer here with me, doesn’t lessen who he was as a person or the impact he had on me. He lived by example, a beautiful trait that I hope to pass on with my daughter. He carried himself with grace and humility, even while carrying a cross as heavy as his disease. He loved so much, it hurt… I am grateful to have been a recipient of such a love.
Ask Jennifer: How Did You Hide Your Worry About Your Father’s Mesothelioma?
If I had a superpower, it would be worrying. You name it, I worry about it. As much as I try to stop, it’s something that just seems impossible to me; however, with a lot of praying, it’s starting to get better.
Even so, when my Dad started to fall ill, I began to panic. I played out every scenario of what could be wrong, how we would handle it, and ultimately what the happy outcome would be. (Even though I worry, I’m an optimist… odd juxtaposition, I know.) One thing that I never thought of was mesothelioma. I knew next to nothing about it and thought it was something that you just saw on commercials. There was no way it was happening to my father.
People sometimes ask me how I managed my worrying tendencies during these trying times. The answer is, I didn’t. I tried my best to hide it, especially in front of Dad, but I think that everyone saw through my act. Even at the moments where my strength may have appeared to peak, I was completely broken inside. I don’t know how I made it through any of it; I take that back, I only made it through because of God.
A lot of the time, I tried to put on a happy face and pretend that I wasn’t concerned. After we received good news, we celebrated, and I was absolutely thrilled each time, but in the back of my mind, that old fear always seemed to creep in. I thanked God for the joy, but wondered when the next wave of sadness would begin.
Still today, even though we’re approaching the four year anniversary of his passing, there is still sadness in my heart from his loss. It’s true that I am extraordinarily happy with my husband and daughter, and with my family who loves me unconditionally, but there is still a piece missing that could make that happiness even more amplified. I am constantly questioning what Dad would be doing today if he were here, or what would he think about certain situations. I always want to send him a picture of my child or tell him the funny thing she said, just to hear his beautiful laugh.
A piece of me is missing without Dad, but what is also missing is the worry I carried for him. I am certain that he is in Heaven where there is no worry or sickness. He is free from this awful disease. I know that he is looking down on me, and that he doesn’t want me to worry about him anymore; he is with God, laughing and smiling each and every second.
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