Author: Joseph Belluck
Father Lost to Mesothelioma Made Daughter Closer to Her Mother
Anytime you lose a loved one, relationships between those who are left behind change. In my case, I became closer with my family (who is already extremely close) as I need them more now than ever before. My relationship with Mom has deepened a lot over the last few years. I have always counted her among my best friends, but once Dad got sick, our relationship grew to a whole new level.
Once we became caregivers for Dad, Mom and I started to talk a lot more frequently, usually several times a day, to check in and see how things were going and what Dad needed. She not only took amazing care of Dad, she had to take care of me too. I am a complete worrier, you can ask anyone! The time we spent waiting for doctor appointments or test results were complete torture for me. She and Dad were always there to calm me down, even though they needed comforting themselves.
Now that Dad is gone, no longer sick and suffering, Mom is working on slowly figuring things out. Everything has changed for her, and I must say she is doing an unbelievable job coping with the situation. I have written before about how strong she is, and that strength continues to shine through every day.
My husband has also assumed a new role in taking care of Mom and me. Every time we visit (which is pretty often), he always tackles the projects around the house that need fixed, moving things around, answering questions… and he does all of these things with a smile and so much grace. He does it because he knows that we all need each other. This is what family is all about.
Mom continues to amaze me every day, and I am blessed to have her for my mother just like Dad was blessed to have her for his wife for almost 32 years. Our relationship grows stronger every day and we know that we can always count on one another. The mother-daughter relationship is a special one, and it’s easy when you have a Mom as special as mine.
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Don Smitley’s Love of Bluegrass Helped Him Forget About Mesothelioma
My Dad was a musician. He always said he “played at” the guitar, just chording, but wow, could he sing! Music made a huge difference in Dad’s life. It allowed him a sort of escape to a place where he could let go and be lost in the bluegrass music that he loved so much.
During Dad’s last few months, he wasn’t able to play very much as he was in and out of the hospital. The last time he went to a bluegrass event was over Labor Day weekend. He traveled by himself to meet his band mates up in the beautiful Pennsylvania mountains. I remember being so nervous about him going alone, but he assured me that he was fine. When he got home, he called and told me that he was tired, but that he had had a wonderful time. I could tell by the sound of his voice that he was beaming.
Dad and his band mates sort of became a “band of brothers,” if you will. They were very close and supported Dad throughout his battle with mesothelioma. Although his voice has been silenced here on earth, it is so wonderful to have the videos and CDs of his performances. These are things that I will treasure forever.
My father always believed in making the best of every situation, and music really helped him to do that. Singing about “Rocky Top,” which he dubbed his theme song, Gospel, or other carefree subjects, made him feel better in mind, body, and soul. I was always so proud to watch him play and sing. You could tell that he was truly happy and content, as he was with everything in his life.
If I can offer one piece of advice to those suffering with mesothelioma, it would be to do what makes you happy and try to forget about the disease. Don’t let mesothelioma take your happiness from you; let your happiness take away the mesothelioma.
No Regrets for Family Who Lost Loved One to Mesothelioma
The natural human reaction to losing a loved one is to start asking “what if?” You start to have regrets. You wonder why you didn’t stay five more minutes during a visit, why you hung up that phone call, or what you could have done to protect the one you lost. Living with regret is something that can have a negative effect on every aspect of your life. Try to remember that someone that loved you would never want you to live with that awful feeling.
Life has a funny way about it. It keeps going on for some when it ends on earth for others. Dad had been diagnosed for one year and eight and a half months when he passed. One year and eight months to the day after his surgery. Looking back, I know that we did everything that we could to help him fight mesothelioma.
My parents traveled constantly for surgery, doctor appointments, a clinical trial, and radiation. They were so hopeful with every good result. We researched and read as much as we could about new treatment options, side effects, and others who were also battling this horrific disease.
Losing Dad was the most heartbreaking event of my life, but we can take comfort in knowing that we literally did everything that we could to give him the best quality of life possible while he was sick. Dad promised me that he would never give up, and he didn’t. He is an inspiration to me and I am so proud to have the opportunity to share his story with so many. His faith is what carried him through, and has allowed us to carry on knowing that we gave it our best. My prayer is that we may all find comfort in our journeys, no matter what they may be.
Moving On After Loss of a Father To Mesothelioma
Once I recovered from the initial shock of Dad’s death, my next question was “where do I go from here?” How do I move on from something like this? These are questions that I am still fighting to answer, and I’m not sure that I will ever know the correct response. All I can do is share my honest, daily struggle with you.
Every morning, I wake up wondering how I’m going to get through another day without Dad. Then, I spend some time talking to him, and that tends to make me feel a little better. As I go through my day, many things happen that I know he would love to hear about. I think that I need to pick up the phone and call him right away to share my story, but I can’t. They always say that old habits die hard. I have to learn to adjust to this new way of communicating with him. It’s sort of a one-sided conversation in that he doesn’t answer me with words, but I still feel like he hears me and responds in a different way.
I look around and notice that the world keeps moving on, but I’m not sure how. I see people going on with their normal lives and realize that mine will never be “normal” again. My normal was having a Dad who loved me unconditionally. It’s only been 22 days since he went to Heaven, but it feels like an eternity.
In short, at this point, I don’t know how to give any advice on moving on, because it’s not a place that I am at yet myself. I do know that by the grace of God, I’ll get there. Some days are better than others; I still have times when I break down completely, and that’s ok. Everyone grieves differently.
I have to remember that moving forward is nothing to feel guilty about because I will never forget my Dad – the way he sounded, his scent, and his abounding love for me and my family are things that will never fade from my memory. He took care of everything he left behind – even his estate through his final will. Dad would want us to be able to enjoy every day just as he did and take time each day to smile and pray.
I keep remembering the saying on my Dad’s coin that he always carried with him and try to take it to heart. I hope it can also bring you some comfort and hope. “Lord, help me to remember that nothing is going to happen to me today that you and I can’t handle together.”
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Mesothelioma Warrior with Her Last Goodbye
Mesothelioma is a cruel cancer. As long as asbestos is still among the everyday items we use or pass, it will keep taking family members to the grave.
Yes, this is a harsh statement, but nevertheless it is true. Until you hear of a family member being struck down with Mesothelioma did you take notice of the warnings of asbestos? Did you listen to the broadcasts made by law firms, perhaps touting for business, but ultimately telling you this stuff is dangerous?
Many people use the statement that Mesothelioma is a rare cancer. What is rare about a disease that takes more than 3,000 people a year? What is rare is the fact that not more than one or two cases per year may appear at the same doctor’s clinic or hospital, but that doesn’t make it rare as a killer.
Because Mesothelioma has been thrown on the backburner for people who undergo the journey of trying to survive, most sufferers now turn to support networks where others understand the terrible way this cancer can act.
You can have a CT scan in June saying your disease is Inactive and Stable, two weeks later that same cancer could have reignited itself and grown over 1 cm around the lung. On the other hand you could be told you will die in less than 6 months, but this same cancer may decide to stay stable for that period of time. The only person who can really say what is happening, once the mesothelioma has come to life, is the patient. They feel the growth of this terrible disease; they understand that when their breathing is becoming laboured the mesothelioma is growing. But diagnosing time is something none of us can do.
Mesothelioma isn’t like any other cancer – it is sly and quiet as it invades the lung, abdomen, pericardium or even testicles. Unbeknownst to many it has sat quietly in their organs waiting for the day it would breathe itself and set off on a journey of destruction throughout your body.
The mesothelioma community is shocked on a daily basis because someone who was fit and well two months ago is now fighting for their lives in a hospital room. No one has a chance to work out the final goodbyes because it can and does take you so fast.
We have discussed on these insights about Near End of Life Wishes, but would we want to say Goodbye too early to our loved ones when we could just be fighting a quick chest infection and thinking the worst.
A late friend has given me a good idea, hard at explaining his own feelings he spent hours looking for the perfect cards with the right words. He left these for his devoted wife for when he died, he knew that this would be his goodbye without actually having to say those words or be prepared to do so when he was fighting for his last breath.
I would hate to think I am lying on my death bed and not saying the correct words to ease my loves heart, likewise I doubt he would forgive himself if he left me without saying I Love You. But just in case I go when he is asleep I hope he will find a nice stack of cards written with the words I was not able to express with those last breaths I took.
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