Author: Joseph Belluck
My Memories of Dad Will Last a Lifetime
I have had a number of people tell me, “Don’t worry, you’ll never forget your Dad.” People have also said, “It’s hard, but try not to forget.” Right after Dad passed, forgetting any little thing was my biggest concern. Now, I realize I don’t have to worry about it, that Dad is always with me in some way.
Once I got over the initial shock of Dad’s passing, I realized that there is no way I will ever forget my Dad. We may not clearly remember loved ones we lost when we were young, but I was 30 when I lost Dad – plenty old enough to have stored up memories to last me a lifetime.
A lot of people go through this fear, and I honestly think that it’s perfectly natural. You want to hang on to every moment that you spent with the person you lost, not forgetting a single detail. You want the young, maybe even unborn, members of your family to know them like you did. The good news is that they can… through you!
To me, carrying on someone’s memory is a special gift that you can share with others. They don’t just have to be children, even an adult who didn’t know your loved one could benefit from hearing stories, seeing pictures, or watching home movies of someone who was special to you.
I think of my Dad every single day, and I know that’s something that will never go away. I talk to him a lot, telling him about what’s going on in my life, joys and sorrows, triumphs and failures, just like I would have if he were still here. I know that he’s up in Heaven interceding for me. It’s hard to look at it this way at first, but realizing that you now have a special angel up there is a pretty awesome thing!
Carrying someone with you and passing on their memories can be a lot of work, but it’s something so worth it. Talking about your loved one will come to bring you joy and comfort after a while and can bring you a feeling of being close to them. Your relationship with your loved one is unique and special, carry it with you always!
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Why I Will Always Be an Advocate for the Mesothelioma Community
Advocating for mesothelioma patients and their families has become a big part of my life since my Dad’s diagnosis in January of 2012. Even though I knew next to nothing about the disease, I immediately felt connected to the mesothelioma community and knew that I needed to do all that I could to help find a cure and to fight on their behalf.
Throughout my Dad’s journey with mesothelioma, my family and I did fundraisers to work toward finding a cure for this terrible cancer. Over the past two years, I have been blessed to come to know many researchers, caregivers, and meso warriors. Hearing their stories inspired me to do more, but I wasn’t sure what I had to give. I was so grateful for all those who were fighting on my family’s behalf, but I didn’t know how I could help. Total strangers were pulling for Dad and praying for us, how could I ever repay them?
When I lost my father on October 15, 2013, I realized that what I had to give was my voice. Through writing, fundraising, and just talking to people to raise mesothelioma awareness, I can make a difference. And so can you.
Being a mesothelioma advocate means speaking for those whose voices have been silenced by the disease. It means fighting for those whose bodies need to focus on healing. It means educating others about the dangers of asbestos and the serious implications of exposure. The best part of this is that you don’t have to do it alone. There are lots of people out there who are encouraging mesothelioma patients and research in their own ways. Innovate. Get creative!
Being a mesothelioma advocate is a wonderful way to remember a loved one who has fought this horrible sickness or to honor someone who is still battling. I choose to speak up in memory of my Dad, who fought tirelessly until he took his last breath. I owe it to him and the rest of the mesothelioma community to keep fighting. My prayer is that together, we can find a cure so that no one has to go through this ever again.
Family Deals With the Return of Mesothelioma Tumors
Last week Amanda talked about the fresh start to the New Year. In that article she also mentioned that her father slipped several times on the ice. Was it the falls that were leaving him feeling sick and tired?
February rolled around and it was a big birthday month for our family: it was my birthday and my brother, Adam’s, birthday. I was turning 28 and Adam was turning 22. Our birthdays are only 10 days apart and since we both live a distance away from Mom and Dad’s, we have been combining the celebrations together when we could both make it home. We decided on February 22, my brother’s actual birthday to come home and celebrate. Dad was very excited for us all to be together and we were planning on going out to dinner. He said it was my choice where to go to dinner, and I had picked one of my favorite chowder houses that is close by to their home.
The weekend had come around quickly and I was very busy with work and coaching and had not been checking in with Mom and Dad as much as I usually did. Plus, if there were any concerns or something was wrong I knew they would call me. In my mind, all was still going well at home with Dad’s health and work was still going smoothly.
My plan for Saturday was to go to a cheerleading competition with the cheer team I coach and then head home to my parents for the rest of the weekend. After watching my girls compete and get their awards, I started on my way home. I called my mom to check in and see what everyone was up to.
She only then informed me that Dad had not been feeling well for the last week. She said he had been really sore in his lower back and he was very short of breath. My first thought was that his back was still bothering him because of the couple falls that he had. She said that he was going into work that night and she mentioned that we might just cancel dinner on Sunday because of the way he was feeling. She would cook instead or we would order from our favorite pizza place.
When I got home my mom and I caught up and watched some TV on the couch together. As we were sitting there we got a message from Claudia, Dad’s secretary. She said that she was concerned about him. She said that he looked horrible and that he had just got sick at work. She insisted that he go home immediately and even had offered to have her husband drive him all the way home. Dad insisted that he could drive himself and he did. As soon as he got home, he went straight to his bed. Mom and I checked on him, took his temperature, gave him medicine and made him comfortable. He didn’t want to be bothered and just wanted to lie down.
I started texting with a good friend of mine who is a doctor and often gave me advice when it came to my dad. She mentioned the falls that he recently had and how there could be something wrong because of the blood thinners he was on. She suggested that we take him to the emergency room just to be sure. I mentioned it to him and he wanted no part of it. So I told him if he doesn’t feel any better in an hour or so, I wanted to take him.
Sure enough, he finally said he wanted to go to the hospital. My mom and I took him to the local emergency room and they took him right back. This made me very on edge, as did my mom. We were under the assumption that his fall in the driveway was causing some type of bruising, a fractured rib, or just severe soreness in his back. When asked by the doctor how much pain he was in, to our surprise he said a “nine” and asked multiple times for pain medication. For Dad to say that, a man who has a very high pain tolerance, he must have been feeling very miserable. I cannot even imagine.
We ended up being there until about 4:00 a.m. The doctors did a handful of tests including x-rays and a CAT scan. After the CAT scan, the doctor said he would be out with the results within an hour. This hour felt like eternity. We sat and sat. Mom and I fell asleep for a little bit. I paced up and down the hallways. Almost two hours had gone by since the doctor finished up the scan. As I was walking, I saw the doctor studying the results on the computer screen in the office area. Right then and there I got a horrible feeling: it’s back. I knew it at that moment. I went back in the room and I sat there quietly.
My mom said she had a bad feeling. I told her I did too, but to just wait and see what the doctor said. Soon after that, the doctor came in, and he reported to us news that he hated giving. The mesothelioma had come back aggressively. He compared the last scan in January to the one now in mid February. He said that we needed to call his doctors in Philadelphia immediately and get down there. Within about a month the cancer had grown from two pea-size spots to multiple masses in his chest with the largest being the size of a grapefruit on his liver. This was why he was in so much pain in his lower back. The tumor was pushing on his ribs and lower spine.
Our hearts sank and once again we felt defeated. After those few months of feeling relaxed and things were somewhat normal, why did this have to happen? After the intense surgery he had gone through, why did this have to happen? After chemotherapy and radiation, why did this have to happen? All that kept circulating in my mind was “why, why, why?” All the doctor could do for Dad was give him some pain medication and send him home. We listened to the doctor’s advice and Dad called UPenn first thing on Monday morning.
Reflection on “Time” Since Losing Her Father to Mesothelioma
As I write this, I look at the calendar and realize that it has been six months to the day since my Dad passed away. Sometimes, it feels like just yesterday. Other times, it feels like an eternity. Time is a fleeting thing and a varying schematic from person to person and event to event.
When I think back to that warm October day when Dad lost his battle to mesothelioma, I remember every single detail. What I was wearing, what I was doing when I got that terrible phone call, how I felt. The pain comes rushing back any time I replay it in my mind. Something that real and life-altering sticks with you forever.
I remember everything about the viewings at the funeral home and the funeral and burial themselves. Who was there, what they said, how everyone was grieving. Perhaps these vivid memories are why it seems like it just happened. In reality, these past six months have been transformative ones for me and my family.
Looking back at all of the changes we have gone through emotionally make me realize that it has been half of a year without Dad’s smile, voice, and heart. We have gone through feelings of shock, intense pain, sadness, loneliness, and emptiness. These still remain, but have given way to strength, unity, courage, and pride. Looking at things this way, it makes me feel like so much has happened since we lost Dad that it has to have been longer than just six months.
Losing Dad has become a turning point in my life and something that has come to define me in some sense. I suppose that you can, however, choose how to let it define you. I choose to be defined as someone who loved her father, was devastated by his death, and who is doing her best to attempt to carry out his legacy by becoming a better person.
I think that time is a funny thing. We are all given a certain amount and how we choose to spend it is really up to us. I hope that when my time is getting short, I can look back and be happy with the way I’ve used it, just like I’m sure my Dad would have been.
Mesothelioma Family Starts Off 2014 Refreshed and Hopeful
Amanda continues to reflect back on the last year and recent months as her father fights mesothelioma. He went through surgery and chemotherapy last year, and as 2013 came to a close and the New Year began the family was settling into a comfortable routine.
The holidays were over and things were looking up for 2014. It felt great starting off the New Year refreshed and positive. As a family, we were feeling positive and were happy with how things were going for Dad at the moment, even though in the back of our minds we knew that anything could happen. By this point we had learned to live for and appreciate the small things and the good days. I said it, as did many other people that had bad luck in 2013, “It’s only up from here.” So it was not just my family having a difficult year, but we were all starting the year off with a positive outlook.
January 2014 was a cold and snowy month. Dad went back to work and was still fairing well. His next appointment in Philadelphia would be in March for a CAT scan and to start immunotherapy to continue fighting the small amount of cancer that was left in his chest. In the meantime, Dad would visit our family doctor for checkups and to monitor his health. We were very excited that Dad had the option of immunotherapy because of all the good things that we had heard about it and the fact that it would be much easier on him than other treatments.
With the brutal weather of snowstorms once a week, frigid temperatures, and icy roads and sidewalks, it made getting around more difficult and of course more dangerous. Everyone knows at this point that nothing stops Dad, and even on nights that the roads were a mess, he still made his hour drive into North Jersey to work. Of course my mom would worry about him.
During the months that Dad was in the hospital and at home recovering, my mom became very close with Dad’s secretary, Claudia. She would check in once in a while to see how things were going. She is a very caring person and has done some nice things for my family. When Dad went back to work she threw a welcome back party for him, totally surprising him and lifting his spirits. Throughout the winter she would text my mom when my dad arrived safely at work, times that he was very tired, and nights that she saw things that concerned her. This kept my mom at ease knowing that Claudia could keep a close eye on Dad.
Throughout the winter there were not as many jobs to be done at my parent’s house, only clearing the driveway after a bad storm or bringing in firewood to keep the house toasty warm. Andrew and my Mom were a huge help to Dad for these jobs, but of course my dad couldn’t just sit back and watch. He would be right out there with them pushing the snow blower up and down the driveway, huffing and puffing and having to take many breaks. He even had a few falls on the slippery driveway making us very nervous.
One fall he had was when he was walking the garbage cans to the end of the driveway on trash day. He slipped on a patch of ice and fell flat on his back, knocking the wind out of himself. He landed on the metal trashcan first and then onto the cold, hard driveway. He said he laid there for a while and caught his breath. After that he was very sore. This wasn’t the only time he fell he told us. He was at work and fell in the parking lot on ice and he had to do the same thing: lie there and catch his breath.
These falls had made us very nervous, because of landing on his back and how fragile his lungs now were. He is also on Coumadin, a blood thinner, and there could be complications because of it. The family doctor did check him out and everything was okay despite the fact he was very sore. Even though things were looking up for Dad, we still had to keep a close eye on him, especially because he never complains of anything.
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